November Under Analysis Column
November 26, 2008
The Return of Gadget Boy, or When Phones Attack!
It has been a couple of years since I ventured to the tech center of the Levison Towers. The new tech administrator is a high school student named Dexter. When equipment locks up, breaks down or is generally uncooperative, Dexter gets the call. Typically, his rumbling and grumbling is only moderately less unpleasant than the equipment failure itself. Still, in a matter of moments, the device does his bidding and is humming along.
I entered his basement office to look at cell phones- the bag phone I have been carrying is finally kaput- and started a conversation. Asking for new equipment from Dexter is even less fun that having him fix something. An hour and a couple of candy bars later, however, Dex had opened up to me with the three Rs of tech mastery: Read the manual, Rant and Rave, and Reboot. Technically speaking, that is four Rs, but I was not going to correct him.
I grabbed two cell phones when Dexter turned his back. Both are great phones, but no Master of the Universe would be seen on a phone that just makes calls. My ultimate phone had to do more- one device to rule them all.
In my Gadget Boy cape and spandex tights, I staged a battle between Blackberry’s Curve and Apple’s iPhone. (Just kidding about the cape.) The Curve is the smallest ‘Berry with a full size keyboard. The iPhone is Apple’s revolutionary touch screen mobile device. No actual phones were harmed in this testing, Gentle Reader, but millions of electrons were inconvenienced.
If your next big case is coming to your inbox, you will want: Blackberry pioneered mobile email, and keep their dominance with the Curve. Although the latest iPhone closes the gap, the mighty Berry still rules the email world and the keys to the texting kingdom as well. To close the performance gap with an iPhone, you need some work arounds. (iPhone totin’ lawyers can email me for the latest.) The Curve has a blinking LED on top of the phone to let you know when new mail arrives without powering up and peeking. (Fun fact- grab your phone and check for mail. Look around you- someone will feel compelled to check theirs as well. This is called the CrackBerry Yawn.) Winner- Curve.
If your clients are thirtysomethings that love gadgets, you will want: The iPhone’s wired headset has a little microphone on one side. Squeeze this microphone and the music you are listening to skips ahead, or takes the call from your wife, reminding you to pick up her dry cleaning. New software is available over the airwaves, and there are more accessories for the little Apple that could than the Curve. Winner- iPhone.
If your clients include Greenies with no electric outlets at home, you will want: The Curve lasts days on a charge, and has a removable battery. An iPhone barely makes it past lunch, and only the 19 year olds at the Apple Store Genius bar know how to get the battery replaced. What is the chance you will need to make a call when the battery goes dead? Right. Winner- Curve.
If you get lost on the way home from work, let alone en route to out of town depositions, you will want: Both the iPhone and the Curve come with a built in GPS. If you plan on using this GPS for driving directions, the Curve gives you spoken turn by turn directions. The iPhone gives you Google maps and a list of directions to follow, which is so 90s. (Sorry, techie stuff makes me feel unduly hip. Or is it thigh?) Winner- Curve.
If you need to look up a case or phone number on the ‘net while waiting your turn in motion court, you will want: Your opponent hands you a motion with a case cite you have never seen. Hope you have the iPhone. Faster internet speed on cell networks and wifi in most metro areas and all Starbucks means web pages load as fast as on your computer. Instant answers are now yours! Winner- iPhone.
If you are a middle aged lawyer, you will want: The iPhone has a big screen, but if it isn’t big enough to read the text or website you are browsing, simply make a reverse pinch motion on the touch screen and the text or picture grows. If only law books worked that way, middle aged lawyers wouldn’t go home at night with headaches or bifocals. Winner- iPhone.
If you want to tune out the loudmouth flying next to you, you will want: Apple pioneered personal entertainment devices with the iPod. The biggest capacity iPhone will carry 16 gigs of the tunes (or movies, or photos, or podcasts) that you enjoy. It uses the same control system, and offers the same variety of entertainment you enjoy on the iPod. The Curve comes close with its removable media cards, allowing infinite storage. Both deliver good quality playback of music, but forget about movies on the Curve. Winner- iPhone, though not by as much as you might think.
The battle ends, and the judges have to tabulate their votes. While you wait, ask Santa for the phone you crave, and take one more bit of advice from Gadget Boy: Lose the belt holster. Put your phone in a pocket, and don’t take it out at dinner. Ever.
(c)2008 Under Analysis, LLC. Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to the Levison Group via email at comments@levisongroup.com. And if you can get him a new Storm phone to review, call collect. Even at the dinner hour.
Levison Group Column for August
October 6, 2008
On occasion, my syndicated column for Under Analysis, a product of the Levison Group, will be found on these pages. Occasionally is like right now!
Make em work for Exxon and Microsoft and Such
You can tell finances are tight here in the Levison Towers. Nothing has been redecorated for the twenty seventh summer in a row. The last new addition to the library is already out of print. And the “refreshments” at the annual Summer Associate mixer were leftovers from political fundraising events. At least, I hope that is where they came from.
Like many sectors of the service industry, things are tight at law firms. Clients are paying later than before- bills that say “due in 30 days” are now ignored for at least 60 days before they are put in the “pay” pile. Those who fear losing clients altogether are not aggressive in collections. The bill merry-go-round is in full whirl.
There was a time when the practices of law and medicine were thought to be THE big wage earning professions. In those days, every daughter was supposed to marry a lawyer or doctor. And when those days passed and all the dinosaurs died off, every daughter was supposed to BE a lawyer or doctor.
The Bard, William Nelson, gave this exact advice to mothers around the globe. He wrote, in his classic poem, “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys… Make ‘em be doctors and lawyers and such.”
According to the United States Department of Labor, however, lawyers are not the big money makers they once were thought to be. In their recently released study tracking data from May 2006, the median annual earnings of all wage and salaried lawyers was $102,470. The middle half of the occupation earned between $69,910 and $145,600. (This came directly from their study- only a gubmint document would quote a statistic for the middle half.) Doctors have fared a bit better, with a median income of $156,000 to $321,000. Not shabby for either group. On the other hand, mothers ought not discourage budding young cowboys solely on the basis of earning potential.
In a week when Exxon posted record, $12 billion in quarterly earnings, what career should budding Getty’s pursue? (I know that Getty is a bad example here- Exxon made more profit than Getty did when he had an oil monopoly. Sheesh.) I would love to hear your thoughts, Gentle Reader, because I got nothing. I love being a lawyer.
My youngest son asked why I chose to be a lawyer recently. This child, The Inquisitator as we call him, smells fear like a dog smells new socks on a mailman. And fear was in his nostrils when he asked me why I liked being a lawyer.
The truth is that I worked for a state senator in high school, and thought I wanted a career in politics. That dream went out of style for me sometime after the tall socks I wore back then. Politicians spend most of their time fundraising, and I would prefer to eat liver sandwiches than fund raise. The Inquisitator has known me his whole life, but can’t fathom that his father once was young and had aspirations too! The truth would not be good enough for him.
Where to start? Telling him I loved helping people made me sound like a Red Cross volunteer at a disaster site: “Hey, I see your house just got carried away by a flood. Bummer. Care to have me explain the Rule in Shelley’s case?” To a client who is out of work and in pain due to a broken leg from a car crash, it does feel like help when your lawyer calls to say that a rental car is available, and medical bills will get paid. No way the Inquisitator would accept that representing injury victims in court was as good as being a fireman or something.
I could have told him that I like the intellectual challenge of practicing law. But then again, poring over insurance policies at 8 p.m. on a Friday evening doesn’t feel all that intellectual, really. Neither does crafting brilliant interrogatories to learn the name, rank and serial number of a witness to a long past event. It is slanderous to call it drudgery- to those who thrive on drudgery that is.
Instead, I could feel the sweat beading up on my forehead. I blurted out, “Because I couldn’t get a job as a TV weatherman.”
“Oh,” he said. “Kevin’s dad sells computers. That seems like a good job to me. I want to design video games.” That satisfied, the Inquisitator went back to his video games, which he was in fact designing. I felt relief at first. Then ashamed. Not being able to explain why you do what you do is bad, but when your career depends on your ability to explain things to jurors and other strangers, it is much worse.
I would have liked to explain to my son why exactly I practice law. What I enjoy about it, and that I wouldn’t choose a different career path now, even if I could. TV weather notwithstanding.
I can only hope that when he writes the “Lawyer Man” video game, he gives me a small role somewhere. Preferably with a cowboy hat.
The Levison Group has a website- www.levisongroup.com.
(c)2008 Under Analysis, LLC. Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. If you know of a weatherman opening, please let him know though. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent directly to the Levison Group via email at comments@levisongroup.com.